on sleepless roads, the sleepless go, may angles lead you in...

i will be 22 on wednesday, does that scare me, yeah a little. should it, probably not, but i am me and i am really still fourteen deep down inside, and therefore, the big 22 scares me! I normally don't like to write unless something big is really stewing in my head, just because i like to sound like i am an intelligent person, but the world should know that i am also a natural blonde, i normally have issues speaking, i live my life by song lyrics, and i am a constant dweller.

you should also know that i love the first fact, even though i now dye it a whole lot lighter than it actually is, my roomate is really good at guessing what i am thinking, and i am really good at guessing what she is thinking too; everytime i hear a lyric i like, i write it down, and i have been thinking about 22 a lot lately!

i have been thinking that it is funny how at 12, someone who is 22 is just super old, and at 42, 22 looks super young, but when you are actually turning 22, it really isn't that big of a deal. i don't even know why thing birthday seems so big to me, but it does, maybe because i always felt like you graduate from college at 22, and then you need to officially grow up. i am so not ready to grow up yet!

this fact alone is probably why i have my current deep seeded aversion to all things marraige. don't get me wrong, i love weddings, and the people getting married, and i fully intend on doing it sometime within the next 10 years hopefully, but right now, i am okay being alone. i also think that the 22 thing has to do with the fact that i am alone, and actually happy there! it is amazing to me, solely because i have never dated anyone really, which is shocking to most people that know me, but honestly, it is not so hard to believe truly.

i simply have never felt the deep desire to drop everything i am currently doing and throw myself into a relationship. maybe that is a really good thing, but when i do date someone, i want to actually spend time with that person. i want to be able to have fun and not worry about outside things. i also want to point that person towards God, and want him to point me in the same, and i don't know if i am quite there yet! i am so working on it though! i just want to know that i can balance, and when you are a hopeless romantic, like i am, it makes the balance part even harder!

here is the other thing that makes me excited about 22... i spent a good part of 21 believing lies that santan was super good at telling me about myself and about God. it made me angry at him for taking something from me that i so wanted to hold onto more than anything! it is funny how different six months of rejoicing in the things God has given you can make you feel... actually i spent a lot of the last 21 years of my life believing these things, and i don't know if i do anymore...

i actually am starting to feel like i am good enough, and i am smart enough and i don't need other people to tell me that to make it true. it is hard, because i used to have someone who told me that every single time they spoke to me, it wasn't even in verbal words, but more in the wisdom of words and in the unspoken ties that bind you to someone like family does... and believe me i want nothing more than to fully believe that God takes things away from people because he wants to teach us something... and i know God is selfish, and wants what he wants... we were talking about this at church on sunday, and here is the line that was stuck in my head... my roomate and i have been obsessed with this song lately... the line is...

...and if you were with me tonight, i'd sing to you just one more time. a song for a heart so big, God couldn't let it live...

interesting huh, i would love to sing just one song, or just get to say one word, and i can't but God had such bigger plans for me and for him. i also just can't believe the bends in the road that God has thrown lately. it seems like everytime i turn a corner, i find another turn is just lurking. hopefully i am not going in circles, but it is just winding! this school year alone, has brought me alongside people that i never thought i would share in the journey with me, but i find myself increasingly grateful for each and every one of them. it has taught me about who i want to be and who i have been, and who i will never be again. it has taught me that you can never go home, and that you shouldn't want to, because growing up is a part of life. i prefer to take the great parts with me, and go on, only looking back on the lessons learned.

God is just amazing me lately. i have been humbled in ways i didn't know were possible. i have learned when the small stuff is not sweat-worthy, and that it is always better to keep your word. you just feel better in the end! i have also learned that 22 is not so much the age that i need to grow up in. because growing up implies this horrible no-fun having, life-altering universe, that i don't know if anyone actually lives in. i think that my journey is just beginning, and the growing up process is simply me knowing that i need to accept responsibility for my actions, and then keep moving on. i don't know if anything i have said has made sense, but i don't really care. it is just things i have learned.

i have one more thing, there is a line in the same song, which by the way is "hear you me" by jimmy eat world, (which is possibly one of my favorite bands of all time, actually they are in the top three... which is impressive!) the line is simply this...

...what would you think of me now, so lucky, so strong, so proud...

for a year and a half i have thought about this line, i have always thought that i wanted to have my dad look down on me and think these things... and while i still do, i enjoy looking up and knowing that these are words that describe him, and hopefully i will take those things and learn them too, because i am so not ready to grow up, i am only 22, and i have a lot of growing left to do.

because in the end, the road is long, and the journey is the destination...

to anyone reading this, i am sorry if this made zero sense. it makes sense to me, so that is all that matters. i hope that you understand one point though, and that is that no matter what life is life, and you can't do anything but just laugh at the bad stuff, stand in awe of the good stuff, and fully praise the maker, because he so intricately designs everything... also know that on the journey hindsite is 20/20, but you can never go back, that defeats the purpose... and you shouldn't want to, it is better further on the road... and the destination is simply paradise, how sweet is that...

okay, that is enough tangents now... i am just simply in awe of who God is...

lovelovelove
a.