the world spins madly on...

There is a song by the weepies... it is beautiful, all about how the world just spins on, even when you don't want it to. even when it seems like you are the only thing left living in it. This is how I felt the morning after my dad died. Granted it was only about twenty minutes of very restless sleep, I woke up to the rain, and my headphones were still in my ears and this song was playing in my ears. A song about pain and sorrow, and the cold, harsh realities of our world.

It is an interesting thing to wake up and want to wish something was so far away, only to be confronted with it in full force. I don't really know how this connects, but I know it does somewhere: Sometimes, I feel like a burden to everyone around me, and while I know they don't feel that way, it does not diminish my feelings about it what-so-ever. Do you ever feel like you just don't know what to do. Do you ever feel like you just want to sit there and sit, and not do anything. I feel like this sometimes. I feel like there are days when the world just spins so madly on. There is no reason to it, it just is. This is how my last few months have been.

I sometimes just don't know what to do. Like what do you do when a friend is hurting themselves, in multiple ways, and your love for them gets in the way of what is right. How do you decipher the right thing from the wrong, the helpful thing from the hurtful. I know that if I do tell, then I am going against their wishes, but If I don't it could lead on towards worst things, and things plainly just can't get worse.

The thing about life that people don't tell you is how hard it is. I just can't say that enough. You grow up and you begin to understand that life doesn't care who you are, or how many good things you have done, it still will pound you with difficult questions, and I guess the beauty of it all is that we are given a chance to see what we can do with it. Does that make sense?

Everything that I said I'd do

Like make the world brand new

And take the time for you

I just got lost and slept right through the dawn

And the world spins madly on

These are lyrics that haunt me from that day... but at the same time, they give me hope, they give me a desire to make things right, to learn how to love and how to laugh and how to just sit and understand. To listen and to promise and to fulfill those promises and the destiny that is in me, even if I don't know what that is yet, because everything happens for a reason.

lovelovelove
a.