Have you ever thought about your dreams. About what is destined to come true, and what is just hopeless wishes, and faded dreams. I have had a lot of dreams in my life, and everyone has seemed to be thwarted for some reason. Maybe God plays into this, maybe God is the reason that I have all of these dreams and am destined to not fulfill them, but to be lead onto different paths, and new dreams. Only, I don't feel as if they are getting better. I don't think that My new paths are better then the old ones. They are just very different. Like after my freshman year of college, when I was so in love with spreading the gospel and so ready to take on the world, and to take on UNC. I was so ready, only to find myself three months later enrolled at Northwestern. Not worse, just very different, a new way to a similar dream.
I now know that there was a very good reason for me staying close to home for the last two years... I needed to be with my family for this time, and that is all well and good, but what now. There is so little that ties me to Minnesota, I don't love it, I find it interesting to live in a culture that I fit in with so little. The Northwestern bubble is not me. I don't want to be married tomorrow, and while I don't find it bad to be married at 21 (it works for some) I don't really think it is me. I just don't understand how all of a sudden I am so far away from where I began. I am so far away from where I wanted to be at 21.
I realize though that I am a different person, and if it were not for the experiences of the last two years, I would probably still be a very cold hard person, and I am starting to really like who I am deep down. Below the surface of sad and unmotivated (like I am at this moment) I am a pretty cool person and I have so much fire for the things that will happen after I get the degree. I have so much fire to work, to make a difference, and to love the world in my own way. I just want to get there. It hurts so much to have to wait for it.
I look at the beautiful words of simon and garfunkle, and I wonder how I could have lost my friend. The person that always promised to be my backbone. To be sailing behind me, and it just makes me really sad. I just don't get why I get to be the person with this cloud. This sadness. I don't get why I feel like a silvergirl. I am someone who has dreams, and they will come true, but why can't I have my backbone back. I just don't get that. It boggles my mind. Why do we lose the people who create such light in the world. Why can't we lose some horrible people. I just don't understand.
What I am trying to say, is I am ready for some dreams come true. I am ready to see some great things happen. I am just ready. That is what I have to say. For now...
lovelovelove
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lovelovelove
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