sometimes i just have bad days...
even when it seems like everything went really really well, still a part of me just wants to hole up in a corner and cry. does that seem pathetic? well kind of i guess, but it is the truth. i hate the idea of pity, so don't think that is at all what i am selling. sometimes though i feel like part of me is dying, or may have already died.
in these moments i feel exhausted of everything, emotions, thoughts, concerns. everything that makes up me is just a blur of grey and white. i feel kind of silly saying this all into the world, but i also really feel that way. i feel as though my life is still stuck in all of that sadness. i know that the pain doesn't heal it just prolongs the suffering, but sometimes there is something comforting in knowing that pain. kind of like you know that it hasn't gone away, that you still remember. in my case sometimes i feel bad when i don't remember. or when i remember to much. does that make sense.
i don't know if that is a part of the me dying part though. i feel as if i am past that. i feel as though i have been over that for a while. i know that there is a deeply rooted notion in me that says that life is good and happy and honorable. and maybe that feeling of dying is really all of those things trying to push up. i don't know. i love being able to know that i have not forgotten though. i know i will never forget, but it still hits me harder than you would think sometimes.
it is hard though because my life is so good! there are things that are hard, but it is good! i am happy and i am loved. that is great! i guess i just really need to pray for focus and paitence. right now though i am going to sleep because i am beat!
top 5 for the day...
1. hear you me:: jimmy eat world
2. first singel:: the format
3. days like this:: van morrison
4. she's:: ryan adams
5. vulnerable:: second hand serenade
lovelovelove
a.
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