do you wanna see me... someplace i am real? cause in my mind i've been there

some days i just feel like i have no clue who i am. honestly. i wake up and disappoint myself right off the bat, which in turn makes me feel like crap, perpetuating the cycle. like the fact that i have a 7:50, and it makes me want to shoot myself in the face every morning, but i didn't even wake up until 7:55 today, and my class only has six people in it, and i am not going to walk into it late. that is just unacceptable. therefore, i just rolled over and went back to sleep for an hour. then i went to chapel, which i was late to again, and so i had to sit on the floor in the back. then i have this 10 page paper due monday, that i should have been writing for the last three weeks, but of course i put it off, and now have to cram it in to this weekend, but of course this weekend is packed already! well i guess that is enough about that...

so with all of this said, i just have to wonder how i became this person, i never used to be. i used to never miss class, and i would work hard and get things done way before they were due. but something changed inside of me. i now have no desire to be restricted by normal boundaries or expectations, but i actually love to exceed peoples expectations, at least i used to. but now all i want is to be allowed to do what i want, to be creative and to spread love and joy and share that with people. i know it's not the most accomplished thing to do, but i am okay with that. i just want to make people happy, to give them joy and to change their lives through something. i think this is why i want to be in music so bad, because i love the fact that music is the great uniter, that it gives people hope. i love that music is something that no matter who you are, you like it, in some shape or form.

so i guess i know exactly who i am, i am just confused on the pathway to being allowed to be that person. i just don't want to kill my spirit, i think that i will be a horrible person to be around if that happens. it has taken me a year to redefine myself into someone i actually really like, and most of the time admire. now i want to be allowed to live that way.

does that make sense? oh well if it does or doesn't, it's just the way i am feeling...

p.s. augustana: twenty years... beautiful song, a fave. currently

lovelovelove a.